My prayers being answered?   
11:14pm 28/03/2005
  So my family was in town last weekend. My uncle, the ultimate baller..........a man so rich that rich people gasp, "Damn he's well off" decided to make me an offer I can't refuse. We're sitting at dinner at the beautiful Hyatt Gainey Ranch when he hits me with it and I've got six months to decide. This was all random keep in mind........

...........he wants to pay for all 3 years of law school for me........all school expenses and all living expenses.

I'd be a complete retard to reject this huh? The ONLY thing holding me back is the stipulation that I have to attend school somewhere in AZ and lord knows how I want to branch out, get the fuck outta dodge. I've always felt like AZ is holding me back, success and fulfillment are somewhere else for me. So instead of getting out now at 26, I'd have to be patient and head out at 29.

Another potential road block is I really haven't wanted to get into law school since my freshman year back in college when I wanted to do corporate law. Things have changed and I've got this wacky ass passion to become a pioneer in the music industry......think Tommy Matola, but bigger. What can I say, it's the Pisces/artist in me. I feel it's my destiny, just to paint the picture of how badly I want to accomplish that.

This package he's offering could very well total over $160,000 if I were to say go to ASU law school. And just because I'd have a law degree, doesn't mean I HAVE to be a lawyer, a common misconception. It's a bonafied professional degree though, brings alot of respect in the hiring world. And who knows, I could parlay that kind of degree into something like entertainment law or sports contract law.

I guess I just feel like I'm fighting time........being 26 and all.

Is this the big break I've been praying every night for?
 
     

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10:22am 20/03/2005
  I don't want this anymore.

I think I've managed to alienate or distance myself from everyone who's been involved in my life over the course of the past 2 years..............or what more realistically started rearing it's ugly head 10 or 12 years ago.

I feel so bad about myself. It's like a personal prison I can't break out of...........and the only people who used to be able to calm me down and make me feel good about life aren't around anymore and haven't been for quite some time.

I don't want this anymore. I want to let this pain go. I want to let this loneliness go. When I wake up in the morning I'm literally so sick to my stomach I want to throw up from looking back on days and nights and knowing they were wasted...........knowing I've been acting or not acting based purely on fear.

Because that's what my life has boiled down to - fear. I've made enough excuses for myself over the past last decade to fill an encylcopedia on how to weasel your way out of responsibility, how to weasel your way out of taking control of your own life............and it's all been because of fear.

Fear of rejection, the fear of failure...........the classic life cop-out. It's running uncontrollably rampant in my life. Put it this way, I've spent an unhealthy amount of time making sure I'm not the one left behind........not the one getting fucked over..........not the one let down. Family life, work life, relationships.....even friendships, which the majority I've managed to single-handedly destroy. The ironic part of all that is all that dismantling, all that running I've been doing is that it's been making me more miserable than I'm sure failure ever could. Funny how that is..........I don't want to be miserable from failure so I reject other people first, in turn I become even more miserable. Sounds like a healthy way to live life right?

If you were to talk to people who I currently come in contact with on a daily basis, I'm pretty sure 8 out of every 10 would say they have a dislike for me.........and that's being nice on my part. I have nobody...........or should I say I feel like I have nobody. Feeling like that is like living hell on earth - or what I'd imagine hell on earth would feel like.

........................sigh......................It's just so hard when inside you've failed a million times over, but on the outside you haven't even tried. I don't want to live life like that. It breeds insecurity and seclusion........it breeds the kind of man you're reading about at this very moment. This sarcastic, scared, depressed shell.........

So I'm sorry. Honestly. From the bottom of my heart. I'm a good natured person and I wish nothing but happiness and success to every person who walks this earth. I'm sorry.
 
     

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04:41am 10/03/2005
  I'm sorry everybody...............

I've taken you all off.

My journal's obviously still public so you can still read it.

It's just time for me to move on. Thanks for the memories.
 
     

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03:40am 06/03/2005
  .......nothing's worse than that look on a girl's face of, "why aren't you talking to me?" ........... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Welp here it is..........yet another Sunday, the only day I don't have to step a foot into work. I gotta tell ya, I'm really looking forward to dinner for my father's birthday with my disfunctional family.........oh yeah, the highlight of the weekend.

I think I only write in this thing after I drink, otherwise I think I'd never set foot in an LJ anymore.

I think alot of things............ just pray I drink more so that I can entertain you with my dribble.
 
     

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02:55am 05/03/2005
  Tonight was pure humor. I ended up going out..........just to your regular ol' Joe Shmoe bar where are all my co-workers/friends were. I use the slash because these days they're all one-in-the-same. I was made the enemy..........and for reasons that were obvious, everybody just wasn't adult enough to speak on the truth. Anyways, I don't care.......... I seperate friendship from friendship and work from work. When we're "in work" that is. When we're out of work, we're out of work so there's no reason to discuss it.

I welcome criticism, I'm not afraid of it anymore, and tonight..........well that was a friend who knew the criticism was coming, but they weren't adult enough to hear it. I'm adult enough to hear the criticism, I just wish people would approach me with it more than they do..........both LJ and real life friends alike. I definately wouldn't resort to getting drunk to get to the bottom of the subject like some people I know whom I call friends whom I work with. I'd handle it, like a man.........a grown man and do what I'd have to do to rememdy the situation.

But alas............nobody approaches me, and in the scarce times they do it's always in the most unconstructive manners like tonight.

So if you have some criticism of me, state it............ I'd do it for you..........whether you'd realize it's for your betterment or not. But it's easier to think everybody else is wrong so I don't expect to see much different than I've seen thus far.

On a side note: Just as I was typing this my roomate just called me from outside to let me know there were two shady ass motherfuckers casing my car............ My karma is unrivaled.
 
     

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11:53pm 04/03/2005
  ..............ok, this rain is really starting to get out of hand. Call me crazy, but I always thought I lived in the Southwest, not the Pacific Northwest. Silver lining: Save Money ..........still a bitch on the social life though. I live for the weekend, c'mon Mother Nature, help a brotha out! lol  
     

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5 year olds' superiority   
10:48pm 15/02/2005
  This question has been asked to hundreds of kindergarteners across the country, as well as adults. The results are quite startling, where the majority of youngsters get it right, right away and the adults struggle to even come up with an answer. So here goes........

Rich people need it, poor people have it, God can't do it, and if you don't eat it you die. What is it?
 
     

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Important dream..........   
01:33am 11/02/2005
  Any dream interpreters in the house?

The highlight of my dream went basically like this: It took place in a school, I'm sitting on a bench that was sort of in cove. I was standing with a few work friends, one who's a girl I'm sort of interesting in real life. My father is also there as well as my mother and sister. Suddenly I begin to feel rain drops fall on my face. I try to avoid getting wet when suddenly a huge wind gust kicks up and next thing you know chairs, papers, and my backpack fly off. Everyone begins running for it when I start to see a tornado forming. All of us continue to scatter, everyone running for safety and yet I couldn't find anywhere to go. I finally stop at this big tree with bright green leaves. Suddenly the tornado ceases and turns into sort of a blackish, greyish myst which seeps into the tree is gone. I'm left standing there right in front of that tree and the sun starts to shine again.

I've not really been concerned about any dreams in quite some time, but for some reason this dream rocked me. I feel like it means something important.
 
     

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10:21pm 08/02/2005
  This is my defining moment. I'm sitting here, it's 10:21pm. I've been ready and excited at the possibility of going out for a Fat Tuesday celebration over at Sugar Daddy's since 7pm. I had the day off, which is odd because I always draw the "have to work" card when the schedule is made and there's a fun day like this on it. I even tried to plan shit AHEAD of time with friends last night. That proved to be fruitless. It's always fruitless. It never proves to be anything BUT fruitless.

You know I'm a 25 year old guy, soon to be 26, and I shouldn't be sitting here dejected over something like this. But it's not really the fact that it's Fat Tuesday or the fact that I will not get to go to Sugar Daddy's. It's the fact that this ALWAYS happens. In fact I had a bet with myself last night that I'd be sitting here in my chair fuming inside over just this. Of course I was right. I don't have any reason to expect anything different.

I can't figure it out. My life is like the mother-of-all chinese riddles. I never get anything I want, I never get to do anything I want to do. When something happens resembles something in my favor, it's always an accident or a bi-product of someone else's desires. My uncle Joe believes that life is just a dream and sometimes your dream is front row and center, other times it's someone elses. Last Friday night at work I saw this very belief in action. This server Perry and I were on two big parties. He told me we were going to make bank that night. Sure enough we did. We killed it, made more many than I did all the previous week. What's happened since then or the majority of the time? Nothing close. Friday night was purely a product of Perry's dream. I want to live my dream.
 
     

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03:21am 16/01/2005
  It's amazing.................being 25 years old and when I'm out I basically accomplish the amount of nothing I accomplished when I was a young punk and shy as hell. To me it's a gauge in life, a true depiction of how far I've come (or not come) and how comfortable I am (or not) in my own skin. Why is it so fucking hard to just say fuck it and say hello, say "Hey there, I'm Jeremy, what's your name?" It's the ultimate self psych-out every fucking minute I'm out there and it makes me sick to my stomach that I continue to persist with these non-aggressive ways.

I stand there all the time........with my boys, semi-charmed smile, looking like I'm having a good time when really I'm sitting there mentally ripping myself because I'm wasting so much time sitting there with that stupid grin on my face when really I want to meet a girl......... two girls.........however many girls it takes to find somebody I can care about. Instead I stand and watch flaky friends rip off cheeseball line after cheeseball line pretending that they're God's gift to this earth with expectations higher than the most naive arrogance of the prick-iest prick to grace the social scene.

I don't even know what that feels like anymore. That's sad man. Part self-construction, part self-destruction, it's who I am these days.

It's amazing that I used to be that sophomore in high school who'd make mix tapes specifically to play in his car for his dates.........that sophomore who'd find a girl and crush so hard he couldn't sleep at night......the guy in middle school who used to fall asleep to Bobby Brown slow jams thinking incessently about a girl. Now if I attempt to do anything forthcoming I fear immediate rejection because I might be coming on too strong. It's like being told yes and no at the same time if you can picture that.

I think about it all the time really...........finding a girl I could focus on...........do all the things it would take to let her know she's #1 ..........that she's what brings a smile to my face when I see her walk.......when I smell her perfume........ I want to make a girl feel special............ but I certainly don't act like it, that's for sure. I only vaguely remember what it feels like to know when a girl is doing something for me, like wear a special outfit she knows I like or all the other little trivial things people who like each other do to let the other know that they're what matters in this life..........genuine.........I couldn't even tell you what that's about anymore.

I'm just so disgusted that my quality of life has sunk to this.

Instead I'm left to come home to the jokes that are my roommates relationships with their respective girls..........we all work together by the way, so I never get a break from it. Just watching them makes me realize what I don't want in my next relationship..............odds are the drought continues for some time so maybe I shouldn't be too concerned with those kinds of things.

I'm am so fucking bored.
 
     

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03:03am 14/01/2005
  ...........I fight my natural, human instincts all the time. I fight them because I want to have supreme control.............yet at the end of the day I realize that you know what? I'm only human.

I hate that society has dictated to us that we cannot be as forthcoming as we would like..........we cannot be as upfront as we like.........because it's all about mystery. It's all about not giving in til we've proven we're not pushovers. So we engage in this long battle of not being who we are just so that we don't take advantage and in return don't get taken advantage of.

On a completely different note, is it wrong that I have no desire to do my part in perhaps rescuing my parents relationship? I really don't, seriously. I feel like there's something wrong with me because I don't have this connection with either of my parents. I don't have this connection that would say "Jeremy, you need to help your father out." I feel cold, I feel like they're not even my parents. Shit, last night I talked to my father on the phone as he got nasty with me about some things and it was just like I didn't care.............. like I'm accepting of the fact that for the rest of my life, my family life will continue on into dysfunctional-dom. There's just so much going on.........errrrrrrrrrrr wrong in my life that this family thing, well I'm numb to it. It's the last thing I need on my tall order of self-life resurrection.
 
     

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10:35pm 28/12/2004
  This is just a little metaphor...............but sometimes I feel like my life consists of sitting at the edge of a cliff.............and it's time to either jump or turn this shit around because the grey area inbetween while standing at the edge is not my goal in life.
 
     

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EVP   
12:44pm 27/12/2004
 
“If our personality survives, then it is strictly logical or scientific to
assume that it retains memory, intellect, other faculties, and knowledge that we
acquire on this Earth. Therefore … if we can evolve an instrument so delicate as
to be affected by our personality as it survives in the next life, such an
instrument, when made available, ought to record something.”

-Thomas Edison


Has anyone seen the trailor for that new Michael Keaton flick "White Noise"? I'm all over that shit. The past two weeks or so I've been doing some major reading on the inspiration for the movie. For those of you who haven't heard of the movie, here's the premise:

Michael Keaton plays successful architect Jonathan Rivers, whose peaceful existence is shattered by the unexplained disappearance and death of his wife, Anna (Chandra West). Jonathan is eventually contacted by a man (Ian McNeice), who claims to be receiving messages from Anna through EVP (Electronic Voice Phenomenon), the process through which the dead communicate with the living through household recording devices. At first skeptical, Jonathan then becomes convinced of the messages' validity, and is soon obsessed with trying to contact her on his own. His further explorations into EVP and the accompanying supernatural messages unwittingly open a door to another world, allowing something uninvited into his life.

Go to http://www.whitenoisemovie.com if you've got some time. Watch all the media options. You'll see some freaky shit.

Read on for some seriously freaky shitCollapse )
 
     

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11:26pm 20/12/2004
  What's this? Both my Phoenix Suns and Miami Dolphins pulled off bigtime last minute wins on the same night! Go figure. I thought my karma was stuck in the garbage dumpsters of karma.  
     

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02:30am 17/12/2004
  People are funny man.

I'm convinced everyone's in this "I might have a good time if I did, but I don't want to make it obvious" phase. And it grows more aloof as the years tack on. Listen, if you want to hang out with somebody, you'll MAKE IT HAPPEN. That's the golden rule. Nobody.........I repeat NOBODY makes it difficult or complicated to hang out if they truly WANT to hang out with you. It's as simple as that. Sure someone might have some things to take care of or a hectic schedule, but those who WANT to hang out will actually find a day, a time, a moment, and they'll let you know when exactly that is instead of procrastinating or not giving you direct answers. Here let me break it down to you in simple equation form........

You like = hang out
You don't like = you don't hang out

Are you still confused? Do you still not get it? If they want to hang out, but certain times won't work, they'll give you the times that do. If they want to hang out, but Saturday's not a good day, they'll let you know which day is. God, don't be stupid. That's the one thing I'm proud about myself. I used to slave over that shit. Now, when someone doesn't give me a direct answer, I split. Why twiddle my thumbs and wait around like a complete idiot? There's millions of other people out there and chances are ONE of them will be adult enough and straight forward enough to say "Hey, this is the time that's good for me."

LOL.......You'd have to be a complete tool not to see that if someone doesn't give you a direct answer, they're not really wanting to hang out. I'm not down with convincing someone I'm worthy of your time. If you cannot see that, you're possibly the dumbest fucker on this planet. If you cannot see that, you have possibly the worst people skills or character analysis ever to grace this earth. I am not here to convince you, hear that? Just like you're not hear to convince me!!!!!

This is beyond frustrating these days. This shit was supposed to end once I got out of college and it has obviously been perpetuated for at least 5 more years MINIMUM. It's really sad. I remember when I was in Seattle for my last restaurant opening and I was listening to the radio. The DJ was commenting on how 57% of men in the Seattle over the age of 30 have NEVER been married. That's disgusting. 57% people! That's majority. If you cannot see how wrong that is then you fail to see the steaming pile of crapinski the dating world is progressing towards.

EDIT: I think this entry was a bit harsh. I think I'll go to bed now. lol
 
     

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10:31pm 12/12/2004
  I love the way I feel after seeing a movie in the theaters. I don't know, maybe I sound like a loon, but I always have this reborn/refreshed feeling particularly when it's a good movie. Especially action flicks, they always rub some adrenaline off on me. Who knows, maybe it's that inner entertainer in me being fed lol.  
     

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100% Bad Mofo   
11:29pm 10/12/2004
 


Ryan Reynolds is 100% one-bad-motherfucker in the movie Blade: Trinity. He said in an interview that he worked out nonstop for 4 straight months to get his physique that way. I saw a clip of him on TV the other day and Triple H (a well known roid monkey/professional wrestler) taunted him to lift his shirt to show his abs for the camera crews........... holy shit man. He's always been a skinny out of shape guy too. I'm envious. I'm not a beard guy, but that worked for him too.




 
     

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One of Life's Chinese Riddles   
09:23pm 10/12/2004
  How is one supposed to better himself, help himself when everyone around him is sucking that energy up?

I'm just at a loss. Sometimes I want pretty badly to come out in front of my mother and friends and go "look guys, you know I want to help, you know I'm here for ya, but right now my life needs attention." I sat there on the couch at my parents house tonight listening to my mother for the 50th time or so nearly burst into tears as she describes my father's current mid-life crisis................chalk full of excessive gambling, late nights drinking at his car wash with his bachelor buddy Shawn refusing to come home, treating my mother like a piece of garbage. She wants answers, but I don't know what to tell her and at the same time she doesn't want me to say anything to him or explode on him because it'll get back to her.

I don't want to add to the pile of problems this family is continuing to mount up. I remember my mother has had a habit of pointing out to my sister and myself that we're lucky, that other families have tons of problems. Yet the truth has risen to the surface. All those years of coasting, kind of ignoring the glaring dificiencies has caught up to us. My father won't grow up and his addictive personality has taken over. My mother refuses to toughen up and move on with her life instead wants to remain clung tight to all the negative things this world holds. My sister seeks peace in the form of guys......not in a slutty way, but every other week my mother tells me of how another guy really hurt her. She's got no concept of other people and waltzes around pretending she's one of my uncle Joe's daughters..........and hey who can blame her, our family life is pathetic compared to his.

And then there's me. I'm using all my energy just to keep sane right now when the energy should be focused on bettering myself. Man, just sitting there on the couch ............listening to her remind me just how bad our family life is, with my wisdom teeth causing me intense pain and my sore throat killing me, not having shaved in days, hair all fucked up.............I look like absolute shit. I feel like absolute shit. Just got back from a trip that went like absolute shit. I'm ashamed of myself because I let things get this bad and I'm ashamed at how much time I spend thinking about who I want to be and what I want to look like and always having to make excuses for myself because I've yet to achieve either.
 
     

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'Tis the season for movie watching, falalalala-lala-la-la   
11:57pm 08/12/2004
 


Off the top of my head, those are my upcoming "Must See's".
 
     

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T-Bowl Cancelled; My Turkey Day thanks   
09:31am 25/11/2004
  Turkey Bowl 5: Cancelled due to fair-weathered friends.

............I felt bad for Matt, he looks forward to our annual football game more than any human could ever look forward to something. It doesn't surprise me that certain people didn't show. Alot of the guys we expected to show are not dependable..........and haven't been good friends as of the past couple years.

Just a moment ago I was on the phone with my Aunty Shary. She's going thru some rough times, which is a complete understatement.........and yet she's the type of person to praise even when things aren't going her way. Her kind words made me realize something. I've always wanted to get out of Scottsdale, see other places, get away from my stale life. I yap endlessly about it. I'm getting that with these restaurant openings I go on. She was saying how proud of me she was and how it's a sign of things taking shape for me in life. Up to this point I haven't felt good about where I'm at and what I'm doing, but hearing her nice words made me come to my senses.

I've never been good at writing down a plan, mapping out what it is I want and how it is I am going to get it. So I guess you could say I'm half-assing my way to my aspirations........and that's true.......but yet if you want something to happen bad enough, it will in due time. If you don't map it out, it might not come in the exact fashion you wish it to, but it may show up in another form. Hence my life in recent months. I've seen 4 new cities in 2 months. That's more than I've seen in 5+ years. And who knows where this could lead me. Because I'm getting out, into new places, I stand to meet new people who might be my segway into what it is I will eventually love doing or where I want to be.

So I guess that's what I give thanks to on this Thanksgiving Day. Not too many things are good in my life at the moment, but again that phone call kind of woke me up and opened my eyes a little bit.
 
     

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